What’s Pride Got to Do With It? Celebrity Boot Camp

Sasha Stone
Mirror staff writer

   I guess there is no shame in calling oneself a celebrity, even if it doesn’t apply. There have been moments, folks, moments that collectively shame all humankind. We remember them and blush for the embarrassment. And generally, they were on television. Rob Lowe dancing with Snow White at the Oscars, Anne Heche speaking in tongues to Barbara Walters, O.J. Simpson’s infomercial, Amanda rolling around in chocolate sauce on “The Bachelor,” the accident that was “Big Brother.”
   Folks, I’m here to tell you they pale in comparison to what FOX showed on television last Monday night — “Celebrity Bootcamp.” This has to be the most ridiculous, and some might say insulting, reality show since the oft-maligned “Glutton Bowl.” The regular “Boot Camp,” which ran over a period of nine weeks, was bad enough (and unintentionally funny) but adding so-called celebrities and doing it all in one night was slapstick comedy of the highest order.
   In truth, it can be summed in two words: Kato Kaelin. But wait, there’s an entire show attached to the O.J. Simpson-birthed “media personality.”
   The idea is that a handful of “celebrities” compete through basic training (push-ups, early wakeup calls, shouting drill sergeants) to see who’s left standing. No, not for charity, but for cold, hard cash – specifically, a measly $50 grand. Right off the bat, the force to be reckoned with was rapper Coolio. He was to compete against Traci Bingham (“Baywatch”), Lorenzo Lamas (“Falcon Crest”), David Faustino (“Married ... With Children”) and Barry Williams (“The Brady Bunch”); also singers Fabrice Morvan (of Milli Vanilli), Tiffany and Vitamin C and non-categorized “celebrities” Kato Kaelin; and Nikki Schieler Ziering (Ian Ziering’s wife).
   You’d never know the depth to which people, and the celebrities they spawn, will sink unless you bore witness to Recruit Coolio getting caught by a drill instructor for stealing a blueberry muffin, which then gets smashed to bits by the vein-popping, spittle-spewing instructor who’s fond of sayings like “NOW GET OFF MY HILL!” or “GET OUT OF MY FACE RECRUIT!” Or how about Recruit Williams being blindfolded and tortured like a prisoner of war? Or Vitamin C being screamed at for wiping her face? Or Recruit Kaelin getting one minute to call a loved one but accidentally dialing the wrong number, and instead of hanging up and redialing, just using up his minute leaving a message on a stranger’s answering machine?
   Granted, Recruit Kaelin can’t be as stupid in real life as the show would have you believe (well, I guess it’s not entirely outside the realm of possibility) which could mean he was playing it all up as a joke. But guess what? It’s no joke. Matter of fact, the only way the show got made was with cooperation from the military, as an article on the DCMilitary.com website explains. “Official support was provided because of our association with ‘Boot Camp’ reality shows,” explained Capt. Shawn Haney, Project Officer with the Marine Corps Motion Picture — TV Liaison Office in Los Angeles, “It also allows us to highlight the professionalism and leadership of the show’s DI’s and our ideals of teamwork, discipline and motivation.”
   So, each recruit was “dismissed,” until there were but two remaining – Recruit Coolio and Recruit Bingham. The dismissed recruits then voted on which one deserved to win. Recruit Bingham was certain Recruit Ziering would vote for her because they both appeared in Playboy. In the end, Recruit Coolio took it home. And, in truth, he was the most deserving, even if he did thank the drill instructors over his own parents (“more than my mom, more than my dad”).
   The instructors said the moment was meaningful, but they couldn’t cry because they were standing at attention, and you can’t cry when you’re standing at attention.
   God willing there will be another Celebrity Boot Camp, if for no other reason than to give the infamous a chance to prove themselves worthy of being called losers. Clearly, they’re all grappling with what it means to be a public joke and they’re running with it. Why not own the insult, after all, and why not earn a buck or two in the process? It’s better than turning to crime and drugs. It’s not like they can go work at McDonald’s or even Starbucks. For better or worse, they’re somebodys who can’t ever go back to being nobodys.
   Shows like “Boot Camp” and “Fear Factor” delight in creating celebrity versions of the show, while “Survivor” and “Big Brother” shy away from the temptation. Maybe because to do “Celebrity Survivor” right you’d need bigger names than the surviving member of Milli Vanilli – and how many of those big names would gleefully appear without makeup or good lighting, with cellulite, wrinkles, zits and all? Not many.
  To that end, I had to hand it these guys. They had the guts to do what most other celebrities probably only have nightmares about. And who knows, maybe in the end they’ll Paula Abdul themselves back into the public eye.

   An Underrated Classic and Its Making
   Speaking of misfits, if you missed the Great Performances episode on “The Making of the Misfits,” you can catch it again on Sunday, October 6, at 3 p.m. on KCET.
   Do not miss the opportunity to catch a glimpse of what is one of the most underrated films of its time. Released in 1961, “The Misfits” combines the talents of writer Arthur Miller with director John Huston and movies stars, Marilyn Monroe, Clark Gable and Montgomery Clift – all three gorgeous but aging icons, all three of whom died soon after the making of the film.
   It is a breathtakingly beautiful film, not just in its storytelling (no other movie captures Monroe as honestly) but in the way it looks – gauzy black and white, dusty American landscapes. “The Misfits” itself will air on TCM on Friday, October 4 at 8:45 p.m.

This Week’s Notable Television

Thursday, October 3
Marathon Man (****), 7:30 p.m., AMC.
Monk, a compelling new series, also showing on USA Network on Tuesdays, 8 p.m., ABC.
The Rise and Fall of Jim Crow, 8 p.m., KCET.
Frontline - The Man Who Knew, did John O’Neill, the former head of the FBI’s New York counterterrorism unit, figure out the September 11 plot before it happened? 9 p.m., KCET.
Running on Empty (***), River Phoenix, 9 p.m., TNN.

Friday, October 4
Affliction (****), Nolte and Coburn star in this almost unbearable study on alcoholism and family strife, 7:30 p.m., BRAVO.
The Serpent and the Rainbow (**), 8 p.m., AMC.
Presumed Innocent (***), Harrison Ford, 8:30 p.m., LIFETIME.
The Misfits (****), as good as it gets, 8:45 p.m., TCM.
The Morning After (***), Jane Fonda plays a drunk wonderfully, 9 p.m., A&E.

Saturday, October 5
Ordinary People (***), get out the handkerchiefs, 7:30 p.m., BRAVO.
Air Force One (***), 8 p.m., ABC.
John Woo’s Once a Thief, 8 p.m., KCAL.
Sea of Love (***), Ellen Barkin steams it up with Al Pacino, 8 p.m., TNT.
Men in Black (***), 9 p.m., NBC.
Jezebel (****), one of La Bette’s best roles, 9 p.m., KCET.

Sunday, October 6
Toy Story 2 (****), meet the old Prospector, 7:30 p.m., ABC.
LA Confidential (****), 7:30 p.m., FX.
The Eyes of the Mummy (1918) (****), 9 p.m., TCM.
Inside the Actors Studio: Sissy Spacek, 9 p.m., BRAVO.
Masterpiece Theatre - The Forsyte Saga, Part 1, 9 p.m., KCET.
The Sopranos, 9 p.m., HBO.

Monday, October 7
Mad Dog & Glory (***), Uma and De Niro, 7:30 p.m., AMC.
City Slickers (**), 7:30 p.m., TBS.
Songwriters Hall of Fame, 8 p.m., BRAVO.
M*A*S*H 30th Anniversary Reunion, 8 p.m., FOX.
Ken Burns American Stories, 9 p.m., KCET.

Tuesday, October 8
A Life Less Ordinary (**), 8 p.m., BRAVO.
American Experience: Miss America, 8 p.m., KCET.
Scientific American Frontiers, 9 p.m., KCET.

Wednesday, October 9
Little Women (****), Katharine Hepburn, 7:30 p.m., TCM.
And Thou Shalt Honor, “Caregiving leads down many paths,” 9 p.m., KCET.
The Bachelor, oh the humanity, 9 p.m., ABC.
Bull Durham (***), 9 p.m., VH1.
Viva Las Vegas (***), long live The King, 9 p.m., TNN.