Top Secret Email Revealed

Paul Cummins
Mirror contributing writer

   I don’t know how it happened but somehow President George W. Bush’s top secret New Year’s resolutions for 2002 — by pure accident — appeared on my email. Though clearly a mistake and undoubtedly intended to be sent to his father for approval, I am claiming public domain rights and have decided to download and publish these secret resolutions in the Santa Monica Mirror.
   I realize the President will be chagrined to see his rather startling ideas appear in a known card-carrying liberal’s column but, c’est la vie... However, I am taking the liberty of editing and cleaning up a phrase here or there (for example, when the President revisits his earlier question, “Is our children learning?” I’ll have to make a verb change for him). Otherwise, however, the ideas/resolutions are as they appeared on my email.
   Resolution One: I, George W. Bush, am going to risk my friendship with Charlton and the NRA and push for the complete abolition of hand guns. The Federal Government will complement this with a liberal...whoops...I mean a generous buy-back plan. Last year over 25,000 of our citizens died of gun shots—almost six times the Twin Towers’ losses. We are the homicide capital of the planet, and, frankly, I’m embarrassed by this.
   Resolution Two: Hilary and Bill were right — it just isn’t fair for 43 million Americans to be without medical coverage. So I’m going to scale back my “tax cuts for the fat cats plan” and put some real money into providing health insurance for all Americans—especially poor children and families. Don’t you agree, Dad?
   Resolution Three: I’ve come to realize that the pittance of oil that we would extract from arctic drilling just doesn’t justify the ecological damage it would cost. I’m going to dump this idea. Do you think Dick will get angry?
   Resolution Four: Laura and I think it’s time we provide low rent or free shelter for every single homeless American. As President, I just can’t justify the notion of people sleeping in cardboard boxes on the streets of the most wealthy nation in history. And, if we have to raise taxes, then, by God, let’s do it. Dad, this may seem a bit hasty, but I’m just feeling so good these days I’m-a-going-to-do-it.
   Resolution Five: I’ve decided that raising educational standards isn’t enough. Our recent bill is good, but not good enough. I mean, how can we raise standards without dramatically improving the schools? School choice is meaningless if we don’t have any good schools to choose to go to. So I’m going to cut back on unnecessary defense spending, drop the silly missile shield idea (I mean surely September 11 showed us the uselessness of such a shield), and I’m-a-going-to-put massive funds into repairing dilapidated schools, paying teachers attractive salaries, cutting class sizes, greening our schools, and restoring the arts to curricula all across the country.
   Resolution Six: I’m going to expand and then redirect foreign aid to developing, third-world countries and focus on poverty in those countries. I mean, golly, Dad, isn’t it clear that terrorism feeds from poverty, jealousy, and desperation?
   Resolution Seven: I’m going to see if we can’t stop being the world’s leading small-arms merchant and try to export health, education, and culture rather than guns. I know this will cause some of our pals and campaign supporters some initial consternation, but I’m sure they’ll be able to transcend their own greed and do the right thing.
   Resolution Eight: I’m going to revisit the Kyoto Agreement and sign it. You were right, Dad, global warming is a huge crisis and we shouldn’t be the only major industrial nation to support the treaty.
   So, Dad, I know this may seem like a departure from my normal positions, but I had a Christmas dream in which I was kind like Scrooge and the Ghost of Christmas future visited me and showed me how poor people all over the planet—and at home—are suffering and I see now ways that we could really help. Will you help me sell these ideas to our donor friends?
   Paul Cummins is the President of Crossroads School, a founder of New Roads School, and the Executive Director of the New Visions Foundation.