Institute of Higher Worming

Steve Stajich
Mirror contributing writer

   What is full of garbage and produces worm droppings with practical applications?
   Rupert Murdoch’s media empire? The Institute of Fast Food Technology? Michael Bay’s five-picture deal? Trent Lott’s website? A staff meeting at “Entertainment Tonight?” Give up?
   It’s the new composting facility at Santa Monica College. With money appropriated by the city of Santa Monica, a matching grant and some dough chipped in by the college, a home was created for 300,000 worms. But the worms have to put out, literally, in return for a rich and full life amidst piles of shredded food and paper waste.
   The worm output is, in fact, the whole point. What the worms, uh, yield is material that can be sold as organic fertilizer or processed into insect repellent. The expectation is that the cost of the project will be returned in fertilizer use on campus and sale off-campus. (Please route all franchise inquiries through Santa Monica College, and not this newspaper.)
   Authorities have issued assurances that there’s no chance the worm population will somehow grow wildly out of hand and we’ll all end up as extras in a science fiction movie. Just last week TNT ran “Night of the Lepus” with Rory Calhoun in which giant rabbits take over a town. The gag was that the rabbits were reproducing like… well, let’s say very horny worms. Not to mention the acting challenge of connecting with a huge rabbit. In fairness, the rabbits had their share of problems with Rory Calhoun.
   No, these worms are staying right where they are, in a “vermicomposting site.” It’s a metal structure that contains space for the worms and equipment that shreds food waste and cardboard. The worm pit is set up so that anything the worms might jettison will drop through to the bottom of the machine. Voila! Organic fertilizer from garbage.
   You’re thinking, “That’s a beautiful Christmas story, Steve.” Yes, in a way, it is.
   Because Christmas is when we actually get around to thinking globally, and acting locally. We ponder the state of the planet, and we respond. With good acts of caring. Maybe it’s because the radio keeps repeating the words “Peace on Earth.” Maybe it’s the inspirational story of “Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer” who, like the Elephant Man, found beauty in the world despite a horrible disfigurement.
   Regardless of what gets us there, we need to hear that people are still making serious efforts to save the planet at Christmas. In particular, saving it from us and our suffocating trash, waste, and pollution. It moves us to do more the rest of the year. I’m also hoping to get an option on this story, at least for an animated version of “The Worms of Christmas.”
   The Los Angeles Times treated the story of the worms at SMC with something more than a jaded eye. I found it plain condescending. I worry that big city reporters are losing the ability to see that when it comes to our environment and somebody leading the way on recycling, every step counts. No matter how exotic the nature of the process being pursued. It just burns me that if those same worms showed up in black t-shirts for the opening of “Ocean’s 11,” they might have made the front of the Times’ “Living” section.
   This Christmas we’ll be buying wrapping paper, using it once, creating a mountain of waste… and hauling that off somewhere. But everything stays on the planet, at least until NASA gets into the deep space garbage barge business. (Don’t think it hasn’t been discussed.) Not only is the effort at SMC not exotic, it’s down to earth in more ways than one.
   It’s down to our earth, the one that seems to hang in space like a blue ornament of hope at this time of the year. The one we treat so badly the rest of the year.
   Rather than citing a litany of environmental sins and offenses, let’s just go with the general notion that we still struggle with the merit of protecting the environment. It seems odd that, at this late date, we’re still wrestling with that. The Republican interpretation of this ‘struggle’ is “Sure we all love the environment, but what about that oil in Alaska?” What about our (perceived) “needs”?
   If Christmas is the story of a child who grew to be a man who showed the world what it might be, then you can easily get to the notion that we should always be working in that direction. Pollution, degradation of forests, extinction of wildlife, toxins in air and water, mountains of solid waste… none of that jibes with what we might call the legacy of Christmas.
   Simple forward steps that look to convert what we waste into a resource, hey, now we’re getting someplace. The worm box at SMC isn’t as cool-looking as a hybrid car combining electric and gas to make less exhaust, but they’re both moving in the same direction. Yet the LA Times reported on hybrid cars with as much breathy exuberance as it did the SMC vermicomposting site with downbeat cynicism.
   And so, I give you “The Worms of Christmas.” As most of us, hopefully, gather with loved ones and exchange tokens of affection, these little guys will be moving through garbage, eating their way to a new tomorrow. For everyone. Maybe they’re no angels, but they’ve touched us all the same.

This Week’s “Know Your News” Quiz

1) Transgender citizens say LA Police are
   a) profiling them for harassment.
   b) critical of their choice of shoes.
   c) curious about “exactly how it works.”
2) McDonalds is currently suffering
   a) setbacks in developing “Bread McPudding.”
   b) a drop in profits and stock value.
   c) litigation after failed “Soup Bazooka.”
3) LA City Council approved a preliminary ban on
   a) blimps advertising weight loss programs.
   b) smoking in city parks.
   c) Starbucks cups in churches and synagogues.

Answer Key

(a) “When I said ‘concealed weapon,’ I meant…”
(b) “When I said ‘In the McDumpster,’ I meant…”
(b) “What if I bar-b-cue tobacco, then inhale that…”