Shooting Star

Lara Croft Tomb Raider
(*)

Sasha Stone
Mirror film critic

   We can’t have it both ways. Films starring women that open at number one usually aren’t all that good. So, we have to be content, even thrilled, that a woman (usually Julia Roberts) can “open” a film at all. It’s not supposed to matter that the film itself is pretty gol’ darn awful. However, if there ever was an opportunity for such a combination to be realized, “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” would have been it. 
   Why, you might ask? The combination of Angelina Jolie and Lara Croft. It could have been the perfect marriage of star and film — but, unfortunately, the plot let them both down. This isn’t a good movie. It’s not even an interesting movie. It borders on making Jolie a joke. Still, her popularity alone landed the film at number one, breaking all sorts of records, and even one for women. 
   Director Simon West and the writers (too many to mention) didn’t seem too interested, however, in the plight of the feminist movement and how it relates to cinema. They didn’t even seem particularly overjoyed at the possibility of making history. What they did seem fully committed to was getting the proper ratio of bullet bra to narrow hips. They wanted to show Jolie holding up her pistols like Croft and shooting things until they dropped. They wanted to honor the game, not the girl, not the potential. What a waste.
   It didn’t occur to them that the only reason anyone would care about a computer character is because they are playing the game, hence, they don’t want to lose the game. They want the high of winning. Playing vicariously through Lara Croft is a great way to splooge the brain drugs. But of course, when we are but silent observers in a dark theater, we need (say it with me, class) character development in order to care. 
   Jolie embodies Lara Croft, raider of tombs (or Lost Arcs). The only thing we know about her (from the film) is that she wears tight shirts, thigh-holsters and can somehow kick ass even though there’s not one muscle on those sinewy arms. That’s all we really need to know, as Croft has nothing to overcome, nothing to weaken her supernatural abilities and attributes (by supernatural, I mean those scene-stealing cones that are supposed to pass for breasts).
   So, it’s ironic then, don’t you think, that the first woman character to ever carry an action movie (that landed in the number one spot) is, essentially, the sum of her parts: long braid, two big cones, and long legs. Why bother turning a computer character into a movie character if you’re not going to make her human? 
   The filmmakers seemed afraid to deviate from the game for fear of losing out on its demographic. But what they didn’t realize was that people weren’t coming to the movie to see a cinematic duplicate of a computer game — they were coming to see Angelina Jolie.
   Her gorgeous, timely bod and exquisite face are draped across every billboard from here to Torrance. She’s still too young to keep her mouth shut about her personal life, so the bits of information she imparts (Billy Bob wears her underwear, they have great sex, she’s bi-sexual, when she got a tattoo on her privates it didn’t hurt because the tool “vibrated”) are gobbled up by the public faster than corn kernels in St. Marks Square. When she gets older she’ll have learned how to play the media the way other big stars do. But for now, anything goes.
   We stay fascinated because she’s not only a good actress (Oscar-winning, even) but also because she’s prettier than the prettiest super model. She’s the very definition of beautiful (which means she looks different all the time, sometimes ugly even) and we can’t stop looking at her. Why, even the MVP himself, Shaquille O’Neal, named Jolie as the number one celebrity he’d most like to meet. “Oh, I’ll meet her,” he said, “L.A. is not very big. I’ll meet her one day.”
   So, the main point to be gleaned this week is that it’s all about Angelina Jolie. (It’s definitely NOT about the movie.) The only thing that matters is that Jolie opened an action movie at number one. Where she goes from here is anyone’s guess. She is, no doubt, a supernova. Next up for Jolie is the sleaze fest “Original Sin” with Antonio Banderas. If that one opens at number one, she will write her own ticket. If it bombs, she’ll have to reside with Demi Moore and Sharon Stone as one-hit-wonders who are also famous for taking it all off. Something tells me that will not be the fate of this girl.