Dragon Bites For All

Steve Stajich
Mirror contributing writer

   A preamble: I once gave someone a book that I found insightful regarding the setbacks that occur when well-intentioned public projects get wrapped in bureaucratic red tape. The person receiving the book worked for a federal agency. In thanking me for the book he muttered, “I guess it’s fun to make fun,” although he clearly didn’t think so. He thought, perhaps, that I was “funning” him. I wasn’t. 
Since then, I hesitate before writing any kind of “What the hell were you clowns thinking?” commentary. Finger pointing is not enough. It’s tiresome, and I’d be the first to agree that it’s lazy to just “make fun.” 
   All that said, regarding this week’s column: Come on, a Komodo dragon!? What the hell were you clowns thinking?
   Democracy and opportunity might seem synonymous to you, but recently we all had to eat some hard candy about the reality of access to Komodo dragons. 
   To put it bluntly: Because he has a fab Hollywood wife and money, lizard wrangler and newspaper editor Phil Bronstein was allowed to get close enough to a Komodo dragon to offer his toe as lunch. This adventure was not part of a new “reality” series, unless CBS is franchising its moneymaker and coming out with “Dork Survivor” this fall. 
   All right, let me calm down. Phil Bronstein is executive editor of the San Francisco Chronicle. You don’t get a job like that, and a wife like Sharon Stone, by being a dope. But that doesn’t rule out the possibility that, letting influence and affluence go directly to your head, you might act against your better judgment and go toe-to-toe, barefoot, with a big lizard. In a zoo, surrounded by others who know better but are obviously eager to kiss your big stupid ass for money. 
   If that last statement seems harsh, let’s consider the basic charter of any zoo. Isn’t it supposed to be a place where the animals are protected from the stupidity of man? I mean all men, not just Phil Bronstein. Where is it written that any dumb move that results in funding for the zoo is justified? I’m sorry, but somebody who knew better stood there while Bronstein approached a wild thing barefoot and attempted to have some kind of “Hey, Larry, guess what I did?” contact. 
   Kids will read about this, and reasonably ask their teachers, “What was that man doing, messing with a big lizard in its cage?” And the teachers will have to tap-dance around this: “He was being a silly person who gets anything he wants because he has money.” Too bad, because inside of that last statement is a world of opportunity for educators to explain how things often work in America. Still, many will pass on that lesson plan. 
   To be fair, we should note that a few days ago an elephant got loose at the zoo in Denver. The actual size and weight of that blunder might make it more significant. No one was injured, so instead of a tragic lead story, it was the last thing on local news shows before sign off. Nothing cuter than a five-ton mammal running amuck in a park filled with hot dog-munching children. Have a good weekend, everybody...!
   But my feeling is that Bronstein’s toe is the bigger event. It is telling and rich with levels and detail. It’s all about social class and caste, which we like to pretend don’t exist in this country. Yeah, well, tell that to a young person shagging coffee for the co-star of “Here Comes Topsy!” on the WB. It’s about yielding to stupidity and violating trust (that dragon had a deal with zoo keepers: No untrained morons in my cage.) And, like so much of American experience, it’s about money. Dennis Tito in space, Phil Bronstein’s toe at the Cafe Komodo. 
   Now the good news: Exclusive, elitist backstage visits at the zoo for celebs and other rich people (“High Hats?” “Toe Feeders?”) at the Greater Los Angeles Zoo will continue as scheduled! The visits have been described as a crucial fund-raising tool. 
   Okay, but what about us little folks? How do we get to have an exciting urban adventure like offering our feet to a dragon? Well, we don’t. But it turns out there are several other elite experiences you can have in Los Angeles, some right here in Santa Monica, that you wouldn’t think you’d have access to. 
   You can stay at Shutters Hotel for as little as $400 a night. Sure, that’s at the bottom rung of rooms there. But the point is, it’s the same hotel where people like Sharon Stone and “Lucky Phil” hang out. It’s not elitist and closed to the general public, hell no. It’s just reeeeeeeally expensive. 
   You can watch the Los Angeles Lakers play basketball...live! OK, it’s pricey. You’ll need binoculars to see Jack’s reaction to a bad call. But the point is, the experience of actually watching the team you think represents the entire city of LA is, in fact, available to you. Access to the Lakers is democratic and available to all. Just cough up the money that building a shiny new arena demands that you pay. 
   You can play golf on any private course you want. Really. Just drive up to the gate and ask them for the brochure that explains how easy it is to gain access. Yes, you have to have resources. But no, you don’t have to be special. Trust me on this; I was a caddy at a country club when I was a kid. 
   And you can go to the zoo. I’m not kidding. The same zoo that Sharon and Phil go to when they need that extra experience that everyday life can’t provide. Maybe you’ll even hear one of them scream as another lizard puts the bite on them for some funding. And, having heard that blood-curdling sound, maybe you’ll send some money to the Greater Los Angeles Zoo Association. Have fun with earmarking, or toe-marking, that check. “Don’t make dragon petting an ‘efeet’ experience. Dragon bites for all!”

This Week’s “Know Your News” Quiz

(1) Republicans will launch cloaked TV ads that
   (a) blame Gray Davis for the energy 
   crunch.
   (b) blame gays for the energy crunch.
   (c) blame Nestle for Nestle’s 
   Crunch.

(2) A new study says fiscal chaos might result if
   (a) product placements were taken 
   out of movies.
   (b) The Valley secedes from Los 
   Angeles.
   (c) Siegfried leaves Roy and the 
   tigers. 

(3) A preliminary report says the roller coaster at Magic Mountain
   (a) is not unsafe to the general 
   public.
   (b) pales next to shoving your toe in 
   a dragon’s mouth.
   (c) is owned by Whitewash, Inc. 

Answer Key

(1) (a) And he caused the locusts to attack!
(2) (b) And what about changing all those maps?
(3) (a) And is rich in calcium.