The Dating Report: Leading In A Relationship

Thursday, 26 Dec 2013, 9:01:00 AM

Anthea Kerou

Anthea Kerou, Columnist
Santa Monica Mirror Archives
Anthea Kerou, Columnist

Hi Anthea,

I’ve been dating a girl for about a month that I really like, but I feel like it’s too much of a one way street as I’m always the first to contact her to set up dates. We always have a great time when we’re together, but I’m confused when I leave a few days to a week to wait for her to text me first, but she never does. However, as soon as I text her, she always says yes to seeing me again. What should I do? – James, 27

Hi James!

Thanks for your question! I can definitely offer some clues as to what may be going on here.

Firstly, I’m assuming that you were the initial initiator in the relationship. Meaning you saw her, were attracted, and asked her out.

Then you have established you are the leader, the masculine force, the pursuer. Now you are expecting her to lead? It may be a bit confusing to her. So far she has been following your lead.

What is it you want? For her to check in with you to just say hi? For her to call you to talk about your day? For her to ask you out on a date? For her to actually plan the dates? Do you want her to also pay for the dates she plans? See there are sorts of expectations that need to be communicated.

Some people believe that whoever does the asking also does the paying, so she may be reluctant to offer to wine and dine a man. This doesn’t feel natural to most women. In general, more equal giving happens in stable, committed relationships, not casual dating.

You must decide if you want her to lead more. Tell her outright you want her to call you. That it would make your day to know if/when she’s thinking about you. Ask her how she would feel about that.

Why are you testing her by waiting to see if she will call you? Why play games? If you want to see her again why not call right away? If you want to know how she feels about you – ask!

If the relationship is not established/committed then she may not assume you will see each other ever again.

If she is a high quality woman than she is definitely dating other guys. She’s busy and in demand. She’s not waiting around for you to ask her out, think of it from her perspective – she has no idea if she will ever see you again if you don’t have any plans already set up. So she is just saying yes to her other offers. It’s not in a woman’s best interests to chase or pursue a man.

She may have no idea of your level of interest, especially if you are being wishy washy in your pursuit by waiting to see if she will call you. She may simply think you are not interested. Enough of this behavior and she will move on to someone who is showing more consistent interest.

Make sure she knows you’re interested by always having future plans with her. Having actual, concrete plans will make her feel more secure in the relationship. To a woman – no plans = no future.

Perhaps you want a more in charge alpha type woman who will sweep you off your feet? It’s totally okay if you do, just know that there are different types of women out there with different styles. Pursuing a feminine, responsive woman then suddenly expecting her to be a masculine leader and planner is not fair. It’s the old bait and switch.

Any changes to each other’s needs and comforts need to be communicated and delegated with both people agreeing to the new expectations.

Anthea Kerou is a Certified Holistic Health Coach based in Santa Monica specializing in datingcoaching. She is available for private coaching sessions, email antheakerou@gmail.com. Alternatively, visit heartfacewellness.com or facebook.com/heartfacewellness for more information.

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