I have had a rough year of dating, but I really want to find a girlfriend who I can spend time with for exclusive dating. Almost three years ago I dated a girl who I really fell for, but she broke it off after three months as she had just moved to LA and didn’t want to be serious with anyone. We haven’t talked since then, but I would really like to approach her about dating as I see she has been single on Facebook for some time. What steps should I take and what advice do you have to see if we can make it work a second time around? – Michael, 27
Wow three years is a long time to be holding a torch for someone! When that much time has passed it’s easy to forget all the negative experiences and exaggerate the positives.
If she didn’t want to date anyone seriously, and still isn’t in a committed relationship, she might not be the relationship type. Don’t let the fact you’ve had a “rough year” keep you from moving forward.
Are you willing to go through the same experience and repeated heartbreak with this girl again? You can’t tell through Facebook if she has grown as a person or if she is relationship ready.
Be careful about reaching out to someone you have been keeping tabs on through Facebook. Make sure not to come across as a creepy lurker. You don’t want to come on too strong out of the blue.
The safest way to make contact is to offer a friendship. Something as simple as - “How have you been? I hope all is going great with you. I would love to catch up if you’re ever free for lunch.”
This could open the door to reconnect as friends first with no pressure.
That way you can see her in person and find out more about her life right now. People do change over time and she may be a different person now with interests and lifestyle that no longer match with yours.
You have to take this from square one; you are practically strangers now. When you rekindle a friendship with her you may find that she is no longer the one who got away.
If she is not interested at all she will not be available for lunch, and then you have your answer.
If you do get a negative response then it’s time to close the chapter on this dead end for good. I mean it!
No more visiting her Facebook page and checking to see if she’s still single. In fact – delete and block her for your own sanity! You need to move on and focus on available women who do want to spend time with you.
If you do hit it off over lunch and you feel a connection then you can absolutely go one step farther and tell her you’ve been thinking about her and ask her if she’s open to dating. If she’s not then refer back to my previous advice. It would be best for you to cut contact completely and move on.
If she is open to dating, be careful and take it slow. Make sure you find out what has changed for her emotionally since your breakup. Ask her what she learned from the experience and her current relationship goals. You don’t want to get involved again with a person who is still not ready for a commitment.
Anthea Kerou is a Certified Holistic Health Coach based in Santa Monica specializing in dating coaching. She is available for private coaching sessions, email email@example.com. Alternatively, visit heartfacewellness.com or facebook.com/heartfacewellness for more information.
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