LOVE TEST

1. You and I are walking on a deserted beach north of Santa Barbara and the sun is going down. The air becomes cool. I offer you my jacket for warmth. Do you: a) Say it’s too damned cold to be out here and (the hell with your diet!) why don’t we go to that expensive restaurant and watch you warm yourself with liquor and red meat? b) Start complaining about the sand, how it gets into everything and is ruining the soles of your new Prada shoes. c) Suggest we get separate rooms in an expensive hotel nearby. d) Tell me you can’t keep your hands off me any longer and right there and then, you rip off every stitch of my clothing and make mad, passionate love to me as the approaching high tide licks at our heels.

2. You and I have become an item and we are in the third month of our relationship. Despite our zeal for this to work out, we both maintain demanding jobs that dictate a clean morning departure. Consequently, there is the constant question of whose house we sleep in. Do you: a) Complain that my dog farts too much and the fumes mix badly with your face cream . b) Say that you have become accustomed to the aroma of potpourri (the potpourri that infiltrates every crevice of your bedroom closet) as you drift off to never never land. c) Comment about how disturbing it is that I talk in my sleep about strangling my ex-wife. d) Scream at me saying you don’t need to sleep with me, you just need to *!!@** me until you can’t walk. You then proceed to rip my clothes off right there in the car and make mad, passionate love to me.

3. We are in bed. The television is on mute and I am reading to you “On Woman” by W. B. Yeats in an effort to prove to you that not only do I adore you but also to show that I’m a pretty smart guy. As I look up from the page, I notice that you are focusing on the episode of “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” rather than the eloquence of my reading of Yeats. Suddenly, you realize that I have caught you ignoring me. Do you: a) Turn up the volume to hear the screams of Buffy’s latest fanged victim. b) Tell me that you love poetry and that you read “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” four times. c) Tell me that my effort to read a dead poet while in bed is merely a form of control and that I am trying to imprison you with words. d) You melt at the sound of my voice and our passion rises like the hot equatorial sun. You have no choice but to tear my bedclothes from my quivering body and take what is yours to behold.

REMEMBER: THERE IS ONLY ONE CORRECT ANSWER PER QUESTION. 
GOOD LUCK STUDENTS. NO CHEATING.

Ed. note: As the author now fears for his life, he has chosen to write under the name of Lars Goodenough, in the belief that there are no actual Lars Goodenoughs anywhere.